OK. I am dedicating this post to complaining. That's right. I'm going to complain. So if you don't want to hear it skip it.
#1) My house is a wreck. If I don't constantly work on it, it gets really messy really fast. My kids are equally messy. Example of the day: Alina went into the kitchen and got a whole jar of peanut butter this morning and proceeded to feed all her action figures with it (this is at 5am before I got up... we forgot to lock the baby gate last night). Apparently that got boring so she smeared it all over them. I now have 1/2 a jar of peanut butter all over her toys, her bed, her clothes and her floor as well as on her as well. I didn't have time to bathe her this morning so she went to the sitter with peanut butter in her hair. I hate that because I look like a terrible mom that doesn't care about what her kids look like. And I really do care. I put shoes and socks and jackets on them when we go out. I wash them and brush their teeth. I just didn't bathe her this morning and she looks like a ragamuffin.
2) I am TIRED of being pregnant. Yesterday coming home from the sitter, I started having contractions. Really bad ones. I start breathing through them, I call Brent and tell him to make arrangements. I get home, lay down and start relaxing and the contractions stop. I was mad. Brent left the kids at Nene's and put me in bed at home, breathing with me, trying to get me to calm down. I was so irritable I wanted to scream at him (and probably did). I struggled and squirmed and kicked my legs around, frusterated and irritated by anything that touched me. Brent finally told me that I was going to have to relax because I wasn't in labor and I needed to stop freaking myself out so we wouldn't waste another trip to the hospital. This (although true) made me so angry that I cried hysterically for about 45 minutes before I finally went to sleep. I didn't sleep well, I woke up about every 2 or 3 hours, uncomfortable and hurting. And, although I got to sleep in this morning, I was grumpy and had to clean up a huge sticky mess when I got up.
3) My husband is tired. I like taking care of him when he's tired and worn out. I like fixing a nice dinner, tucking him in, having the kids in bed, etc when he gets home. But I'm tired too. And I can't do very many things right now. I can't even stand up for very long without having to sit back down, much less cook a meal or feed his dog so he doesn't have to or wash his clothes like he asked me to 3 days ago. And really, I may be miserable and all, but he's had very little sleep too. He probably has only had one good full night sleep in the last 4 days. And it's not fair that no one asks how he's feeling and how he's doing and if he's ready for this baby. Because he works just as hard as I do to have this baby. He might not be pushing it out of him but he's staying up sleepless night after sleepless night, trying to make me breathe regularly, and then going to work at his full-time-super-hard-labor job where he's lifting and throwing 45lb tires and leaning over car hoods all day long. I'm not being fair to him by not taking care of him and that makes me angry. But I can't hardly take care of him becuase I can't do much of anything and I really honesltly can't - not the fake I don't feel like it can't.
4) The world doesn't stop simply because I'm having my baby sometime in the next 3 weeks. I still have to work. I still have to drive. I still have to get the bills paid. I still have to drop off paperwork at the Clerk of Courts because of this stupid case against Capital One where they litterally have no ground against me because I've been paying them for a year solid, every month on the same day. I still have to get up and take the kids to the sitter and pay the sitter and buy the groceries and call my family and my friends and all I hear is "when are you due again" or "has the baby come yet" or "any news" and I really just want to wear a sign on my forehead that says "NO I HAVEN'T HAD THE BABY YET AND I'M GOING CRAZY!!"
5) The more I think about it and the more I walk around and live life, the more angry I am that I am walking around at 2cm and no one seems to notice that I might be uncomfortable. Given, I have an appointment with Cheryl on Monday and I'm sure she'll have some ideas. But Brent doesn't even seem to want to try home-remedies because it's "too early" and we might get sent back home. In the meantime, I'm having to function like a normal person and I'm litterally paused half through labor. And, if Judah decides to come as fast as Raziel did whenever he decides to come, I could really only have 45 minutes to get to the hospital and get in before he comes out. I dont want it to be that way. After Raziel's birth, I was in post-labor pain and kept having contractions for a whole 12 hours. My body had basically delivered him too fast and was trying to catch up. I was miserable. I don't want to do that again.
6) Which brings me to how I am sick and tired of my co-worker being so freaking on edge about this baby. He's 63 bless his old person soul, but good lord, every time I sigh or anything he freaks out and is ready to kick everyone out of the store and drive me to the hospital. This just makes matters worse. And I don't like him much so I would despise for him to be the one taking me to the hospital.
I'm tired of not being hungry.
I'm tired of having indigestion.
I'm tired of my back and legs hurting.
I'm tired of telling people any day now
I'm tired of having people tell me to relax.
I'm tired of wondering when Judah's really coming.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of packing and unpacking my toiletries.
I'm tired of hurting all the time.
I'm tired of trying to be nice.
I'm tired of everything.
And the baby hasn't even come yet. I haven't even ventured the world of no sleep and nursing every 3 hours and infant diapers and "Raziel don't hit Judah"
OK. I know I'm whiney. I can't help it today. I wanted to whine. It's that or cry hysterically and being as how I'm at work that's not really an option.