Monday, April 12, 2010

New Adventures

I finally seem to get down the normality of life when I get thrown a curve ball. I thought I had it all worked out and that I was meeting everyone's needs. I was actually quite proud of myself. We have new curtains in the kitchen and den. I hung the curtains in Alina's room properly (instead of with a thumbtack). The house is clean. The yard is mowed and I picked up all the trash and sticks. I have half of that hideous above ground pool taken apart. I've hauled off all the trash. I found a bunch of clothes for my two older ones while garage sale shopping. I spent $15 and bought 16 shirts and 3 pairs of shorts and a nice serving bowl and the material that I made my curtains out of. I am managing our tight-money situation fairly well. I completed all my errands and tasks. I got our suzuki back and paid for up front. I even sold our Neon (because we're not gonna fix it anymore, its sucking too much money and we can share a car the way Brent's schedule is now) and am using the money to fix another situation and purchasing a large air conditioning unit for our home so its not impossibly hot this summer (I was mostly thinking of the kids on that...) And, Judah has gotten up to 10 lbs and 10 oz as of Thursday, so he's gaining weight well.

So I totally had it all together and out of the blue it hit me that Brent isn't happy. He hasn't been yelling or causing a fuss about it but its that women's intuition that creeps along when I see him and I just knew I wasn't doing something - there was some need I wasn't meeting. So I ask.... He wants to spend more time with me having romantic meals and taking walks in the moonlight and just... couple stuff.

Where am I supposed to get more time?

My current schedule:
8am: get up (I've been awake on and off all night feeding Judah) and feed Alina and Raziel. Return to bed and try to relax as Judah eats.
8:30 am: shower, get the kids ready for their day.
9:30 am: Pack up the gang and take Alina and Raziel over to Beverly's for the day.
10:00 - 2:00 : Run errands. This morning I went grocery shopping.
2:30 pm: Return home, fix lunch and have it with Brent, sometimes watching an episode of Desperate Housewives.
3:00 - 5:00 : clean. Do yardwork. Do laundry. Wash dishes. Bring Odin in the house and feed him and let him hang out some. Blog when possible.
5:00 pm: go get Alina and Raziel
6:00 - 8:00 : Return home and keep Alina and Raziel and Judah quiet, happy, and cared for while Brent sleeps. Also, keep the house from being re-wrecked, feed the kids, dress them in PJ's, brush teeth, oh yeah, stop Judah from crying, put them in bed for the night and cook Brent and my's dinner usually while nursing Judah.
8:15pm : Wake Brent up and have dinner. Hang out till he leaves at 9:15
9:30pm : Brent has gone to work, I've cleared off the table and Judah goes to sleep so I collapse into bed and text Brent until he gets to work at 10:00 and can't talk anymore and then I go to sleep.

Where exactly do I fit in a romantic dinner? Sure, we have time to eat it but when am I to prepare it and then shower and prettify myself for it and lay it out and then clean up from it? And who exactly is going to stay at the house while we take a moonlight walk? And how romantic can things be when I am nursing Judah while we try to have a bath?

And I'm not even back to work yet.

Don't get me wrong. I have time to do things - like tearing down the pool and sewing curtains. Things I want to get done before I return to work because I know I won't have time or energy to do them then. Its just that if I don't get them done, I know it will be a long time until they do get done and that's just a fact of life. I have 3 more weeks of maternity leave and that means I have 3 weeks to finish all the things I want to do. I could just lay around and sleep instead... and I try to focus a lot on holding Judah and cuddling him or at least wearing him in the front pack or laying him on my lap when I'm doing laundry or cleaning... and just yesterday I took the kids on a picnic to the playground with Tamara. I just can't get past the fact that I'm doing all this and there's still more being required (well asked) of me. I don't know if there are people out there that think being a stay at home mom is easy but they are crazy if they do exist.

Maybe its my emotional exhaustion. Apparently I have needs that aren't being met. Like a good night's sleep. Which even if I take the time to really take a night to sleep well - going to bed early and getting up late -- I don't sleep well because Brent's not there.

Sometimes I just want to sit on the floor of my closet and cry. Sometimes I eat some chocolate or drink a mountain dew and will myself to find the energy to get things done that need to be done. Sometimes I wonder if this is why so many people aren't happy -- they feel they aren't meeting expectations and the needs of their loved ones.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Errands and DFACS

So today my life has returned to some form of normality. I am emotionally finding stability... we have our car back, we have money in the bank (well, a little anyway) and its pouring rain which has cooled off the world of 88 degrees significantly. Brent even hung out with Alina this morning and she made no messes because she got up when he got home. (well, after waking me at 4:30am because she dropped her pacie off the side of the bed and instead of getting up and picking it up, she opted to get up and get me so I could pick it up.... I totally don't understand it but I really don't want to fight it out at 4:30am with my 3 year old so I just go with it)

Brent worked last night. That means I slept. And, since I'd made myself stay up till 2 am the two previous nights (because Brent hadn't worked) I slept very well and very deeply.

Judah's doctor appt today showed he has gained another pound since last week. The doctor said this gives him a total of 2 lbs over birth weight (which is what they look for by a month old, and Judah is only 3 weeks). So, the hole in his little heart isn't slowing him down at all. He does have a yeast infection - I had suspected something was up because his mouth has been retaining a lot of milk residue and he has an odd diaper rash. The thrush (the infection in his mouth) is whats causing all my soreness during nursing. I'd figured I was just doing it wrong (yeah, after 2 perfectly easily nursed babies, sure, the 3rd one is when I suddenly can't remember how to have the baby latch on properly and therefore am sore. that makes perfect sense. LOL) So the doc gave me some good 'ol ointment for diaper rash and a medicine for his mouth and I'm calling my OB about the nursing because I really didn't want to discuss that with my son's male pediatrician.

Next I'm heading over to DFACS now (Dept of Family And Child Services -- ppl that give food stamps) to complete my FS app. We qualify for a little help for a little while because I have no income til after I return to work. I've had to go back 3 times because of all the extra papers they wanted/needed. The most frustrating was yesterday when they'd asked for Brent's proof of citizenship and bringing his Birth Certificate wasn't acceptable - they just wanted a signature on a paper that said he was a US citizen. Apparently the signature is better than the proof at proving he's a citizen???? I don't understand the government.

I think I'm just in a total better frame of mind and am enjoying a day out without Alina and Raziel. Judah is sleeping deeply and I have very few errands to run and plenty of time to enjoy the day.... I think I'll get a flash drive so I can start uploading more pictures to my blog (since my photos are on one cpu and the internet is on a different one...)

thanks for all the encouragement lately... I really need it!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


Well it seems from reading my friends' blogs everyone is going through a bunch of emotional roller coaster stuff lately. I guess I'm no exception.

For some reason, this week has been very hard. I've never been one to cry much once I became a mom. Yes, I know, hard to believe since I'm the one who cried watching Finding Nemo and Monsters Inc, but honestly, I just haven't been such a sobby person anymore. I don't know why... but anyway, the waterworks have been on hardcore this week.

Most difficult of all has been Raziel. Since the suzuki quit a week ago, and we were carless with the exception of Tues-Thursday when Tamara lent us her extra vehicle, I've kept the whole gang alot... I sent them to the sitter with Pam on Friday... but had all 3 all day Saturday - Tuesday. My dreams of being a SAHM seem to be teetering on the edge of extinction. I could hardly handle all 3 of them without loosing my mind. Brent said its just their ages and in a month or two it won't be so hard. That paired with my lack of sleep lately and their trouble adjusting... they've been nothing but trouble lately. Alina fed Raziel chocolate pudding this morning. Yesterday, she found a stash of candy and ate probably 25 pieces, and he'd taken his diaper off and smeared poop everywhere. The morning before that, Alina went into the kitchen and crawled up way too high for me to think about too hard, and got down the debbie cakes and had 3 packs of Zebra cakes (6 cakes total). This has been my life lately. Pair that with trying to keep the house clean? HAHA.

The reason I've mentioned this is to point out that they really have been troublesome little people. So, of course, I've had to spank alot. And, Raz just doesn't understand. When I spank him, or tell him no, he throws a fit. And, so he gets spanked or ignored, depending on the level of tantrum. But, the heartbreaking thing is when I'm nursing or cooking or mowing the lawn, or something like that, he wants to be held and I can't hold my 25lb squirmy little boy who sits on top of my newborn... and he just looks so rejected and broken.

I've cried more about that than I have for anything over the last 2 years. And I've cried alot about all the worry I've got over Judah. And I've cried alot in frusteration over the car situation. And over Brent's new job and sleeping alone.

I've been a weepy mess and sometimes during naptime I just go sit in my closet to try and clear my mind of all the stress.

I'll be okay, I'm sure. It's alot of adjustment and very little support since I had no car. Now that the suzuki is operating I'm going to Tamara's this weekend and then to church on Sunday and to Bible study Monday and I'll feel better about it.

OK I have errands to run. Sorry I'm so MIA lately. I'm just trying to keep up with my own life :-)