So today is Thursday. 3 more days till I'm off again. I talked to Sarah for a long time this morning about my life, I talked to Tamara alot last night about her life (her 9 year old decided to run away because 5 hours of school is too much apparently) and I have found some peices of things that seem to help.
I thought I was just a bad wife - I told that to Brent several times. I feel so many times like I should be a superhero; clean the house, keep the yard, raise kids, grow another one inside me, pay the bills, plan for Christmas, finish the film, be a good friend, pursue a relationship with God, all this and more without help or without complaining. After all, I'm a mom and a wife. I have alot of responsibility! Well that being said, I am coming to realise that maybe I shouldn't be able to do all of that. So, we're changing a few things around and hopefully things will be more manageable. Brent's picking the kids up after work so I don't drop them off and pick them up - and then they'll go and play some before I get home. We added baby gates in the house to help contain the messes - and that helps alot so far. The kids can't go into the non-nurshery parts of the house without a parent and they can't just string their toys everywhere and that helps too. It being winter I won't have to work so hard to keep up the yard, and I've almost got it in order now anyways. It needs mowed, but we've made progress in leaps and bounds.
Also, Brent and I talked about things in general. I've been way too stressed out lately. My co-worker stresses me out because he's old and chooses not to learn about computers and so I'm doing almost everything at work because "my eyes are younger" and "I'm prettier" so am a better salesperson and he even wants me to do the telemarketing because "i have a better phone voice" which I have flatly refused to do because he's not doing much of anything unless there are multiple people in at one time and I usually end up fixing his customers issues along with mine. I have a longer fuse because he claims irish blood and therefore has a bad temper (no excuse just what he says) and so I fix things when we have to call in for customers too. It's a very frusterating way to work. I don't mind doing things but I'm tired of doing everything and I'm very tired of telling him simple things like "read the whole email" and "check it for water damage." Honestly if it didn't affect my commissions I'd let him make mistakes but I have to correct his issues or else our store shared commission will decrease and my half will be less.
In addition to work stress, I of course, am frusterated that we're still catching up financially (in a manner of speaking) and that we're looking at another baby which equals more expenses as well as less income with my leave. And at the same time I want more kids maybe and Brent doesnt and no one's budging anywhere on that. Brent was very grateful that I took the effort to look at adoption... (average cost about $30,000 unless you foster-to-adopt and risk having the kids taken back from you after you've had them for a while which is something I definitly don't want to risk. If we adopt, we keep the kid (s). If we don't adopt, I'm not bringing them into my home.) but at the same time he just said "that means alot to me" and that was that. I spent 3 hours to have him say "that means alot to me." I took a love language test and I tied for words of affrimation and acts of service. That made sense to me because I feel loved when he tells me he appretiates something about as much as I feel loved when he does something for me. It upset me that he didn't really take time to appretiate what I spent time on yesterday when I had no interest in it.
Well I talked to Brent on his lunch and told him I'm tired of feeling sad and tired and stressed out and I thought that was why I wasn't really making alot of efforts to make him happy lately (apart from when we started fighting). I told him I didn't know why I feel so badly but that I do and I don't want it to be like this but I don't know what to do about it because I just can't handle anything else right now and a rocky point in our marriage should be priority #1 and I have a hard time worrying about it or anything else for that matter. He suggested that maybe I should get up in the mornings with him at 5:45 and do yoga while he works out. Maybe if I get up early and get those "happy endorphines" going that I will have a better day. Well, that makes sense if I can indeed drag myself out of bed at 6am.
So tomorrow, yoga at 6am it is, followed by breakfast and a shower before the kids wake up at 7am. Maybe all I need is some time to myself and to share with Brent every morning before I'm exhausted. I'll blog about how it goes.