Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Stressed Out

Today is not a good day.

Brent and I went on a date last night and ended up in a big fight and we didn't even eat our dinner, just packed it into boxes and took it home to have for lunch today. He and I are on totally different pages right now for alot of reasons - the most prominent is that I'm not sure I want this to be our last baby, and he is ready to be done having kids. The reason it even came up was because I went to my friend Tamara's house on Sunday and had lunch with her and hung out letting our kids play together (though hers are like 6,9 and 12 and my kids are almost 3 and 1). Tamara and I talk about all sorts of things and the topic of getting your tubes tied vs getting your husband to have the operation came up. It was nice to know someone else who understood I wasn't neccesarily wanting more than 3 kids but I wasn't ready to make that decision permanent. Brent and I always had said he'd just get the operation done so we wouldn't have to worry about it (because we're incredibly fertile and regular birth control doesn't seem to work well for us) but it apparently increases the chances of prostate cancer by a large percent and so I figured I'd chat with Brent casually about it... and it blew up into a big fight about how he wasn't getting to spend time with me (as a couple vs as a family) already and he was ready for this to be the last one so they could grow up and take care of eachother and play by themselves more often so we could actually have a relationship. Well, this shocked me because I thought we were doing well -- I've been so happy... I love being a mommy and having my family all together... and it's not that he doesn't love the kids he just misses having just me sometimes.

So of course that was a big fight and I didn't go to sleep until 3 am because I was so upset and then Alina woke up 3 times and wanted to snuggle so I went and laid in her bed for a while each time and then by the time I finally fell into a half state of sleep Brent's alarm went off because he opened today. So I didn't sleep. And I have a bad headache. And my stomach aches because I didn't eat well last night and my re-warmed shrimp was very greasy. And I'm frusterated because Brent thought he would get to work a split shift at work and someone didn't ever show up to work so he just had to open and will have to work late, so effectively he's not coming up here to have lunch with me. And, of course, today has been particularly frusterating because my co-worker lost someoene's phone and keeps asking me where it is (I don't know, and it's not my responsibility) and I've had stupid customers wanting stupid things and making stupid demands and I just don't have the patience for it and on top of it all I'm worried about how tonight will go and if Brent and I will fight more or if we'll be happy and just enjoy the night or what. And I'm pregnant, so I'm more needy and emotional and I just break out in tears every 30 minutes because of silly little things and I just can't find a way to relax. We even made a $200 comission this month (I didn't expect any) and I'm not ecstatic because I'm just stressed out and tired and can't get happy about much of anything.

On top of it all, I feel like I've been waiting on God forever. I am waiting to be released to minister, to put my gifts into action somewhere, something - anything - to be involved in my church. Right now I go every Sunday - without Brent because he can't get off - and participate but that's it. We're going to participate in a leadership training course in January but it's forever away. In the meantime I've been studying and asking questions of a woman I consider very mature - she's 73 after all - and kind of discipling under her. And, I asked her specifically about something I've been studying and how to incorperate that into my life and how to apply it and her answer was that I need to wait on God's timing. I feel like I've been waiting for my life to start for years and I know I'm only 22 but I can't help be frusterated that we're at a standstill on the film, we are in the most frusterating waiting point with this baby (not soon enough to count weeks, but far along enough to be uncomfortable and weepy), and we're at a standstill in our finances... at least we're not sliding backwards like we normally are (thanks to some close dear people for helping solidify us) but I'm so ready to be advancing and making progress and it's just not happening.

And all of this just makes me weepy-er and sadder and ready to lay down and feel sorry for myself but realistically when I get home I have dishes and a lawn to mow (but its raining again) and laundry to fold and a bathroom to clean and a sink to repair. I have been keeping on a worship cd in my car to remind me to focus on God in the midst of my frusterations and I just feel more lonely and more empty most of the time because God keeps saying "just wait on my timing" and I'm ready to be doing something - experiencing something, or growing into something new... anything to make life more enjoyable and more bareable.

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