Thursday, July 30, 2009

Lovely. $400 down the drain

So I'm pleased with my day. HAH

Today I was expecting to have money in the bank. The owner of our company repeatedly talks about payday being the 30th. Everyone, in fact, counted on being paid today. In actuality, however, we get paid the last day of the month. That means tomorrow.

Today I am $46.39 over drafted. By the time fees all clear, it will be about $400.
I have direct deposit. That means this big ass check I'm getting tonight with which I intended to get my house payment caught up will only be a normal sized check because I can't borrow $50 from anyone. I have asked around already, and it's just not a possibility for anyone.


I want to know why it is that every time I get on my feet and caught up on the bills, somehow or another something is done wrong or miscalculated and we are over drafted. Of course, while I only used $46.39 too much, it will quickly be another $360 in fees. I always feel like its out of my control. I always feel like that someone has wronged me, and that had things gone as I was under the impression that they should have gone, I would be perfectly fine. Now, I won't get my house bill caught up. Now, I won't get to spend fun money, or pay to fix my car.

All I can see is the negative side. All I can see is how it should have been and how it is nothing close to that.

I am so frustrated. I feel like my life is just constantly an out-of-control nightmare where I am just falling and falling and drowning in lack of control. I fight so hard to control it and do things right but it just never turns out that way. I never know what else to do. I feel like I constantly ask God what is my problem and all I get is quiet, be still, chill out.

That doesn't fix my problem. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but calming down and "its just money" doesn't make me feel responsible by any means. Brent and I are trying so hard to save up money and get a "nest egg" so that we don't ever have this situation... but it doesn't seem to matter. Every time we get some money in savings, we have to use it for the broken car or a doctor visit or something else dumb.

I just don't understand why some people are so well off and they don't even have to bother. I work hard, so does Brent. We save our money and are very very very cheap about things and it never pans out. We never go on dates, we never spend money on fun things. We just don't ever have enough. We're trying so hard to do the right thing and catch up the bills and blah blah blah and its simply impossible.

I don't feel like trying anymore. And, Brent isn't helping. He's either telling me that its just money or telling me "of course, freak out honey, its a lot of money" and it just makes me more angry. I hardly know what to do with myself anymore. Maybe if I just don't buy food at work then we could save money. But that's a ridiculous thing to say at all, much less when you're pregnant and responsible for a tiny little life.

Why does it always seem so easy for everyone else and so hard for me? I never never never never never seem to have enough money just to pay the bills. I remember posting a blog a few months ago about how we were working so hard to make more and spend less and here I am, end of July, still broke off my ass.


  1. and hallelujah. God provides even through people that don't believe in Him how I do(which I firmly respect)

  2. Beth,
    I think more people struggle with this than you know! Noah and I are like a roller coaster! We have no stable income so it is feast or famine and we are terrible about saving for the famine. We got back from Korea, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and we had $4 to our name and mortgage due in a week. God provided.
    You are doing all you can! And doing a good job! That's all you can do.
    Love HJ