I finally seem to get down the normality of life when I get thrown a curve ball. I thought I had it all worked out and that I was meeting everyone's needs. I was actually quite proud of myself. We have new curtains in the kitchen and den. I hung the curtains in Alina's room properly (instead of with a thumbtack). The house is clean. The yard is mowed and I picked up all the trash and sticks. I have half of that hideous above ground pool taken apart. I've hauled off all the trash. I found a bunch of clothes for my two older ones while garage sale shopping. I spent $15 and bought 16 shirts and 3 pairs of shorts and a nice serving bowl and the material that I made my curtains out of. I am managing our tight-money situation fairly well. I completed all my errands and tasks. I got our suzuki back and paid for up front. I even sold our Neon (because we're not gonna fix it anymore, its sucking too much money and we can share a car the way Brent's schedule is now) and am using the money to fix another situation and purchasing a large air conditioning unit for our home so its not impossibly hot this summer (I was mostly thinking of the kids on that...) And, Judah has gotten up to 10 lbs and 10 oz as of Thursday, so he's gaining weight well.
So I totally had it all together and out of the blue it hit me that Brent isn't happy. He hasn't been yelling or causing a fuss about it but its that women's intuition that creeps along when I see him and I just knew I wasn't doing something - there was some need I wasn't meeting. So I ask.... He wants to spend more time with me having romantic meals and taking walks in the moonlight and just... couple stuff.
Where am I supposed to get more time?
My current schedule:
8am: get up (I've been awake on and off all night feeding Judah) and feed Alina and Raziel. Return to bed and try to relax as Judah eats.
8:30 am: shower, get the kids ready for their day.
9:30 am: Pack up the gang and take Alina and Raziel over to Beverly's for the day.
10:00 - 2:00 : Run errands. This morning I went grocery shopping.
2:30 pm: Return home, fix lunch and have it with Brent, sometimes watching an episode of Desperate Housewives.
3:00 - 5:00 : clean. Do yardwork. Do laundry. Wash dishes. Bring Odin in the house and feed him and let him hang out some. Blog when possible.
5:00 pm: go get Alina and Raziel
6:00 - 8:00 : Return home and keep Alina and Raziel and Judah quiet, happy, and cared for while Brent sleeps. Also, keep the house from being re-wrecked, feed the kids, dress them in PJ's, brush teeth, oh yeah, stop Judah from crying, put them in bed for the night and cook Brent and my's dinner usually while nursing Judah.
8:15pm : Wake Brent up and have dinner. Hang out till he leaves at 9:15
9:30pm : Brent has gone to work, I've cleared off the table and Judah goes to sleep so I collapse into bed and text Brent until he gets to work at 10:00 and can't talk anymore and then I go to sleep.
Where exactly do I fit in a romantic dinner? Sure, we have time to eat it but when am I to prepare it and then shower and prettify myself for it and lay it out and then clean up from it? And who exactly is going to stay at the house while we take a moonlight walk? And how romantic can things be when I am nursing Judah while we try to have a bath?
And I'm not even back to work yet.
Don't get me wrong. I have time to do things - like tearing down the pool and sewing curtains. Things I want to get done before I return to work because I know I won't have time or energy to do them then. Its just that if I don't get them done, I know it will be a long time until they do get done and that's just a fact of life. I have 3 more weeks of maternity leave and that means I have 3 weeks to finish all the things I want to do. I could just lay around and sleep instead... and I try to focus a lot on holding Judah and cuddling him or at least wearing him in the front pack or laying him on my lap when I'm doing laundry or cleaning... and just yesterday I took the kids on a picnic to the playground with Tamara. I just can't get past the fact that I'm doing all this and there's still more being required (well asked) of me. I don't know if there are people out there that think being a stay at home mom is easy but they are crazy if they do exist.
Maybe its my emotional exhaustion. Apparently I have needs that aren't being met. Like a good night's sleep. Which even if I take the time to really take a night to sleep well - going to bed early and getting up late -- I don't sleep well because Brent's not there.
Sometimes I just want to sit on the floor of my closet and cry. Sometimes I eat some chocolate or drink a mountain dew and will myself to find the energy to get things done that need to be done. Sometimes I wonder if this is why so many people aren't happy -- they feel they aren't meeting expectations and the needs of their loved ones.