Have you ever gone on a retreat that was supposed to be refreshing and turned out to be nothing but exhausting and confusing and frusterating?
That's how my Encounter weekend was. I don't know why. But it was not refreshing at all and just plain frusterating. Every time I've been on a retreat before it was encouraging and renewing. This time I came home feeling nothing much beside confused and lost and insignificant.
Don't get me wrong, the retreat was wonderful for everyone else.... on Sunday morning everyone was talking about how they felt like a fog had just lifted, or a weight had been lifted from their shoulders, etc. I just sat in there and cried because I realized I was different and felt like there's something wrong with me - surely if everyone else was encouraged I just wasn't in tune or something because I was all worn out. I slept well, ate plenty of really good food, rested alot, etc.
I just was spiritually hit by a bus or something. I am still sorting out whatever it was that "shifted" in the spirit because I didn't feel the shift but I'm still reeling from the after effects. Brent was freed from some strongholds but nothing really drastic happened to me but now I just feel like I'm a lost little child and I don't even know where to begin on picking up and moving on.
I'm journaling alot now... I've started dreaming (strange because I never did before) and remembering the dreams. I am trying to write down the things that I see in dreams and the visiony/revelation type things that I get during the day. Maybe it's God speaking to my confusion. Maybe I'm just daydreaming.
Maybe things will sort out soon.
This confusion happened to me a lot around my senior year of highschool/ freshman year of college. If you remember this was also about the time I was finally strong and sure in my faith for the first time. I have a very good feeling its the enemy trying to confuse you, trying to tell you that you are not good enough because you didn't have this encouraging uplifting feeling. However, I believe you were being persecuted by him because you were on a retreat completely for your God and he didn't like it. It is good that you are writing down your dreams and thoughts because later on you may be able to come to them and discern them. Sometimes my dreams have pointed me to something or helped me while other times they are just dreams, but writing them down helps. Also, don't get too down on yourself. You are pregnant and have a lot on your plate. You had a weekend separated from your babies and had to give up some control. God has a plan for you, and wants to use you. You can't let yourself get too down. God works different ways in different people and one person's awesome moment doesn't dictate someone else's. Pray to Him everyday and He will help you through this. I will be praying for you and Brent also.
ReplyDeleteI almost never do well in situations when everyone else is "feeling it". It's too much pressure and I'm always scared I'd feel lit for the wrong reason. At least you got to sleep all night right?;-)
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